I can't find the words to express the crappyness of my day. My heart is soooo heavy and I need to lighten my burden by posting something but the words escape me.

To reveal the source of my moodyness would be like opening a can of worms but I'm going to risk writing a super long post and regretting not going to bed earlier in the hopes that I might feel even a little better when I get this out.

It all starts with doctors in this country, namely obstetricians. Last week I heard that a girl from church had given birth and that the doctors had used forceps and done a lot of damage to her and the baby. I was angry then that she didn't heed the advice of her g12 leader, a mother of 4 who is in my g12, when she told her not to go to the hospital too early. Well, when this mother of 4 visited the young mother in the hospital she asked how nursing was going and the young mother asked in amazement if she could nurse, since the doctors had told her not to. She nursed the baby and the baby spit up a little so the doctor scolded the young mom and told her not to nurse the baby again. IDIOTS! And even more, what kind of idiotic mother would believe someone who tells her she can't feed her baby? Apparently they told her she could not nurse the baby because of the traumatic birth. What is the reasoning behind that?!

So, what, I asked, are the feeding the baby? Any tubes? No, just shots! What kind of shots, Who the heck knows?! After 12 days, the baby starves to death.

I thought I was upset then, but today I was distraught and just plain disgusted to learn that the baby died. After 7 years of working with women and babies in Mongolia I have seen this kind of thing happen too many times. Today was the last straw. I want to quit. I'm tired and I don't have any words left. Even if I did, no one is listening. At least not when it matters.

The doctors killed that baby, plain and simple, and they're getting away with it just like they do all the time. She arrived at the hospital at the first sign of labor and the doctors shot her full of pitocin and before she knew it, her baby was being pulled out of her. The baby's skull was half crushed. The doctors "comforted" the mother by telling her that it's better to have a dead baby than a crippled one.

Doctors get away with bad things. That's just the way it is here. And Mongolian people are fine with that. No one gets mad or indignant. Maybe it's because the victims, the babies, go so silently. Oh, my heart is so heavy.