It's seems like forever since I've written anything of substance on this blog. The lack of time combined with my seeming inability to concentrate on anything these days is definitely to blame. I have been thinking a lot about things and reflecting on everything and nothing at the same time. My brain is constantly on the go.
There are times when I go to write but things just don't flow as easily as they used to. I don't know if it's temporary or what. I do want to write and let some of this built-up pressure out. But at the same time I feel myself wanting to ignore everything and everyone in hopes that it'll all go away.
It's not that my life is terrible. On the contrary, I am quite happy. I just wish I had more time to reflect and write creatively.
Before I became a mom, I had no idea I would be this tired all the time. I'm feeling better, physically, than I was at this time last year. But mentally, I'm more exhausted than ever. The thing that bothers me the most is not being able to have time to myself to think. I sit down to read the Bible, make a grocery list or write a blog entry, and each time, without fail, one of the kids will come and just start talking or ask me for something.
Now, my kids are pretty considerate. They usually understand that they shouldn't interrupt when Mommy needs a quiet time in my room or at the computer. But it's the break in the continuum that makes me unable to concentrate or form my thoughts.
I know I sound terrible. I also know I'm not the only mom who has misplaced an important piece of paper while her brain was racing about something she had to do, all the while listening halfheartedly to the mind numbing chatter of a 4 year-old. It happens to the best of us.
Here's a perfect example that just took place a minute ago:
Me: Abi do you want some banana bread?
I go back to he computer to finish my post and no sooner had I sat down with my slice when Abi says, "I guess I do want some banana bread." I gave her my slice and chided her for changing her mind. But that's what 4 year-old girls do.
I comfort myself by remembering that it's just my season in life. The prognosis for recovery from this type of brain damage is good, I've heard. (I also hear, however, that the changes to your hair color are permanent.)
My feelings of frustration are no doubt exacerbated by the Mongolian winter. I hate winter. Did I tell you I hate winter? Because, I hate winter. I have been here for 10 winters so far and they just keep getting colder and colder and darker and darker. I wake up around 6 am to the moon and pitch black darkness outside. The sun doesn't come up for another 2 hours or so then it starts to set again around 5 pm. There's a heavy blanket of dreary tiresomeness around my shoulders from December to March and try as I might, I just can't shake it. It gets me every year. I wish I were a goose. I'd fly south for the winter.
Well, Somebody needs more banana bread so I'd better get moving.
Oh, did I mention I hate winter?